Rest assured that your PI and attorney have tied things neatly together. Part of HuffPost News. And it may hurt your son (and your divorce financial arrangement) if she becomes unemployed. Walking away from this lets you maintain your dignity and self respect. Things will change, people will tell you you steered to hard, you damaged the mask. It gave me even more strength and let me feel better about myself. Babe, in case you have not noticed (not your "world") but your M has collapsed. We had a 'good' conversation during which I was even vulnerable enough to weep. @owl thank you for your advice, it is really helping. Meanwhile Im constantly told not to confront and just deal with it. I wonder if you read the replies there. As your wife she shouldn't be f*cking other dudes should she? If you need to flag this entry as abusive. So if I can get another side of the story straight from a source then why not?! I know I dont have to explain the devastation here. Probably convinced her to keep working on mine. I ended up contacting her AP's pastor (long story) just so I could expose him for the narcissist he is. Theyre the chumps, they made their choices and have to live with them. I was trying for medical school, and my grades were pristine. It was a confusing, emotional and destructive time in my life, to say the least. I will confront my wife and not her lover. I will not be involved in any physical combat with anyone. No. You have to know who you are and what you can handle. Though I run this site, it is not mine. Unless this person is completely unaware that your spouse is married or otherwise spoken for (it happens, in which case I think the person is a fellow chump, not an affair partner), they knew what they were doing and have devised various rationales -- all of which are impervious to your exhortations. Really man, get some self-respect. My first contact was a very sweet voice mail asking her to please call our home or send me a msg through face book. After 3 years, I still cant sleep and I think a healthy man to man is in order. More pressing and pressing and saying that I know there is more you're not telling me, and eventually came the truth. been seeing each other for some time he was her boss some ten years ago but when it got deeper Im unaware. To what extent do you think he or she knows about the nature of your relationship with your spouse? You are spirally completely out of control here. It's all good. She then responded saying not to blame her blah blah. I did send his ex wife (she was married to him at the time of the affair) confirming that he and my wife had had an affair. However, there IS good news for each confronting a cheater reaction. NEVER. Just yesterday, I met with another woman who's been sleeping with my husband for about as long as we've been married. How do I confront her? I wonder if she's still married to my ex-lover and if she's happy. I dont feel like a chump (well maybe I did momentarily) No, I am someone who acted on the prompting of the Holy Spirit, I can hold my head high and know that I acted with strength and dignity, keeping my burden light. It is only a mad man that will do that. I also told him that if he spoke to my wife again I would tell his wife about the affair. First of all, even if he did say these things, (which he claims he didn't, but who knows the truth) how could you look your married lover's wife, one who just lost a much wanted pregnancy, straight in the eye and make these claims to her? A dreaded sinking feeling comes over you, is this the end? You are still with a woman who cheated on you for 20 years, lied about how long ago it was, and now is playing like she was the victim? I would love to know what software was used? Ive heard rumors that my wife is cheating. I think you would be kicked out of the door before you can say "role reversal". Confronting her would only worsen the matter- Eunice Egwu. Besides your attorney would retain the documentary evidence of her infidelity while advising her that should the reconciliation derail for whatever reason, at which ever point down the road, your attorney would retain the option to use the existing evidence of her infidelity to buttress a future divorce petition. 2023 BuzzFeed, Inc. All rights reserved. Go right ahead. WebAny husband would be upset to learn that his wife is in love with someone else. He had been having his cake and eating it vigorously for far too long. Plus, my husband is a photographer and I have his photos of her too. She will need to resolve her feelings. I hope you get by. 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And that was that. She has stayed in the house and kept all his memories for my children and now grandchildren, pays for trips with my daughter and grandchild with her million dollar inheritance. Your heart is going to be torn to shreds, you self respect would be zero when all is said and done, and its going to leave a huge hole in your soul which would take a long time to fill, if ever. And why you didnt post there following the replies? We verbalize happy and unhappy and we talk more. Sure wish I would have read this post before I decided to confront. Do 1 thing that is JUST outside of your comfort zone, and it shovels the past behind you to build a new you. Were on the path to divorce, and family members will inevitably ask why. But that, in of itself is helpful. You really need to let go of this whole thing. All rights reserved. He wanted change, but instead of fixing the problems, he tried the easy way out. It was against my religion, but I had no choice. We've turned a page. Its her shame and her disrespect that got you guys into this situation. I will not confront my husbands lover in public because if I do that, it would worsen the situation. That's where all of us recovering from adultery need to focus. She asked about certain dates, where we went, what movies we saw together. I could tell she didn't want to leave him. Do not reveal how you know. I am vindicated! Over the years, Ive come to view them as my family as well, and I believe they feel the same about me. It totally sucks what she did after only a year of marriage. Will confronting the other woman or man only further his or her resolve? We even went and had drinks with her and the other other woman lol. I need to talk to my husband and sort out issues with him. I know theyve Oh well. I never I had the same thing happen to me and I was polite and cordial and couldn't get out of Dodge fast enough . Don't participate in this humiliating game. Got a response. It hurts now, to be forced to fill the separation and see more than a bland life thrown at you without choice, but YOU can fill that hole with something new. So I answered the call that night and two hours later it was all over. How fabulous. She is not the woman you thought she was. I messaged them and asked if they wouldn't mind speaking to me. I have a reputation I would not want to tarnish. She told me that my lover had said I was just a "dumb blonde" and that we were only friends. (The affair is over.). Please seek professional care if you believe you may have a condition. Or ask your lawyer to depose them in your divorce (that gets settlement talks moving quite quickly I hear). My wife has been acting very strangely, very distant over the last month, saying that she is confused and doesn't know what she wants from life. Tell her if she enjoys the life she has she will submit to your "needs" or get thrown out of the house. Thanks everyone for your advice, this is really helping me - I think this is what I needed - a bit of a slap! Hard to not want to confront him. As she escalated, I blocked her. Again he didn't reply. Oh, did I mention that she said all of this to me after I lost my pregnancy at 5 months? To compare notes. Build on yourself, learn all you can, and eventually you will love again when you are ready. She knew I existed. I went into it telling him he had one chance to screw me with no repercussions and Id walk out for good if he ever did it again. This has nothing to do with each others families. 1. So I suppose I have quite a bit of power right now to screw up her life, and this fact probably dawned on her in the day or so after I confronted her, and I think she sees reconciliation as the path of least resistance to avoiding these dangers. @Bronco thanks for your very detailed response, I appreciate the time you've taken and advice you've given me. If he sees a dress he likes and he cannot buy it for me but get it for another lady, then there is a problem and we have to solve it. Will your spouse take your side? And she had the nerve to complain that I was harassing her, because I kept asking her to stop contacting us. She told me because her AP's wife found out and she had confronted my wife about it at her officethe same office and job she had during her affair. If the OM has a girlfriend or is married then you need to immediately expose the OM to them. Dont think twice about it, or nickle and dime over it. Marriages are based on open communication, trust, and a common goal. I wound out about the affair about one month after he died. I dont think she really wants to be married to me at all. It doesnt change the fact that my spouse will still go and have an affair with someone else. They (she and her guy) will erase the footprints of their love story, while nothing else will change. Because my husband is a LIAR and I don't believe a word he says. I managed to find some deleted text messages, I feel bad for doing so, but have now found out that she has been seeing another man from work. Letting the cheater have the affair partner. Telling them both off about what they did would make me feel so much better. I was issued a " Warning of harassment" and told I was to in no way contact her. I'm not sorry I did, but it probably wasn't the smartest thing I've ever done. Moving On: . The letter was not to confront but to acknowledge her pain in this mess also and to extend forgiveness. All Rights Reserved. It's been many years since that drama unfolded into a finale of heartbreak, tears, and fury. God knows IT HAD TO HAPPEN! I have fantasized about that, but what is the best thing to say to her, if anything? After he reached out to my wife months later (apparently feeling brave after a few months), I told his wife. with his or her lover? When she does, I just make myself a fake profile using the name of fictional characters, and post all the details of her affair, including photos and videos she sent on her FB page, buried in comments on old posts. Our free Affair Analyzer provides you with insights about your unique situation and gives you a personalized plan of action. The power will get transferred to you, while she thinks she has played you like a fiddle. I thought to myself - how on earth can I be sued she will be telling me the truth and not manipulating the situation. But while confronting the other woman/man may bring about a temporary sense of satisfaction, long term it probably does little to help resolve the You are no longer a husband, but an ex. I was done with the lying, the secrecy, and my lover's cowardice. I don't think that is a path you want to go down, unless you want to be a cuckold husband. This is supposed to be the happiest time of your life and she is off chasing other guys. So don't reveal how you know, just tell her you KNOW about ____________, (<--- insert other man's name here.). Hold on for two months. It still stings that I became a villain in someone's life story. My only advice is get out NOW. I plan to confront him when this happens, for me. On the one hand, by confronting her my husband finally realized what he was dealing with. As YellowShark says she denied and denied but I didn't back down and eventually came the trickle truth. For #1, your marriage might end up working out. Nigerians can now play the US Powerball $1,100,000,000 Jackpot, The Draw is tonight! She went bonkers, completely Fatal Attraction, and I was so glad that my pets and myself were 2,000 mile away. Any how. Yes, bills, parenting, and life goes on. It's ours. With her 'bf' (the 'other guy') she is the $lut she always wanted to be, and has experienced multi men orgies etc which is simply unthinkable for her to imagine with her husband. And if he sense that you are not being straightforward with him, he is unlikely to be open and honest with you (see when people lie). Do not do ANYTHING to stop this little love story she has going with her office lover. First, you must prepare yourself to deal with the situation in a mature manner and you So i answered the phone. When you have a PI on your corner, he will ask you to stop shadowing her or tinkering with her email etc. I will confront my wife not her lover Peter Garuba. Worse, if you come at them all classy -- appealing to their sense of shared humanity and common decency -- they will delight in their superiority. If she doesnt stop she should consider the marriage over. I wrote the AP a letter, letting her know that I was fighting for my marriage. Anyhoo, am I hurt of course! Your spouse has already betrayed your trust at a very basic level, so confronting the other person may I came clean. got angry when I discovered you 2 were friends. This should not be and I will try to avoid Expose the affair to the OM's wife or girlfriend 4. Emotional purgatory and indeed more complex and torturous than can be placed into words. Do NOT get tempted to lose your temper as well. But the biggest reason not to confront the affair partner? I wish you all strength. Surprisingly, some husbands, end up hoping and accepting a stalemate where the wife settles down into an 'equilibrium' balancing her husbands' physical needs with that of the 'other guy' or 'other guys'. I will not confront her. I really don't think that a PI is an option, for a start I believe that the relationship is over, but not down to her, so if nothing else I am not sure what a PI would achieve. He was suspicious of her acts but never in his wildest of dreams he had thought that situation could be this much worse. You need to divorce her right now. I also wonder if her husband is still taking lovers and spending his days lying to all the women who hold him in their arms. After the initial call she sent me several messages, talking about how sorry she was, and how hurt she felt at being deceived by him, and at first I responded. I would have rather that it had been physical than what it was as my confidence and trust were shattered to bits when I discovered what they were doing. This may be hard to understand in the cold light of day. Background: my wife and I have been married 12 years, and have a four year old son together. To reclaim your self respect. And perhaps the most surprising feeling of all- elation, mixed with relief. She does not deserve the recognition. I can handle the truth, no matter how hard it is and I know that no one owes it to me, but it doesn't mean I won't try to get it. They might actually be crazy. Goldstein recommends saying something along the lines of: "Hey, when you get a moment let me know when we can meet up or hop on a call?" That's totally permitted, however. What you will be going through is denial, bargaining, depression, anxiety, resentment, anger, etc. My errand accomplished nothing. Truth About Deception back to our home page. Thanks for listening. Copyright 2004 You need to calmly explain your feelings and tell her to put herself in your shoes. I love her so much and am scared to confront her about it for fear of what may happen, I suppose I'm hoping if I ignore it she will get over it and everything will go back to normal, but I know deep down that this is naive and weak. Now the dad is dying of cancer and maybe has a year to live. I will not fight for anything or give any reason to do that. Its hard to do when the AP is the down stairs neighbor and you have to see them multiple times a day and money doesn't allow you to move for 2 more months. You NEED to have an intimate support in your life, Im not meaning romantically, but someone to talk with on a deeply personal level. We treat each other differently now. I couldn't work it out and was going crazy, so I had to start doing some investigation to find out what was really going on. And only one person would be able to keep the $hit from hitting the fan. When he ended the affair, the in-laws were enraged and drove 8 hours to our city to "comfort her" since she was so devastated. lol! When you have all your ducks in a row, have gone past the PI phase, moved on with the evidence to an attorney, and the attorney has compiled it all together and made the initial moves and it is time to serve her the papers, you must still be nonchalant and appear ignorant about the giant moves underway. Sleep in the #%(^ing middle. Even so, now you could get her to reconcile on YOUR TERMS. So, making contact and receiving well deserved apologies helped bring closure to this chapter in the affair and hopefully help in the healing process of my marriage. Again, no need to initiate much commentary on the bare facts. His wife went pretty crazy but held my wife wholly responsible for the affair. He didnt but I keep a close eye on him. If you only knew the painful path you're about to walk it's actually more painful that if you just walk away. Confronting my wife - need advice. I believe my spouse and I can talk things over and settle our differences without involving a third party. The ball is going to be in her court, and she would be doing all the begging, to save her lily white chaste image that she created before her family and friends. It always does. I hope you'll consider our EMS Online course for couples. Never. Do EVERYONE a favor and don't have kids until this is resolved. You walk with you pride, money, and assets, and yet she would be thanking you for not washing her filthy linen in public before the public (including your mutual friends and her relatives). Back to my story: I contacted the AP in order to gain insight. You will get through this. The thrill of being able to look at potential partners, innocently flirt a little when you meet someone new online/somewhere, make all of your own rules and eat what YOU want to. Sometimes separtion is whats best for the child. About one month after he died of action the bare facts chasing other guys her resolve you, is the. It totally sucks what she did n't want to leave him walk away 2004 need. I did n't want to tarnish fantasized about that, it is really helping, there is more you not. She told me that my pets and myself were 2,000 mile away over it pets and myself 2,000. M has collapsed that we were only friends to my ex-lover and she. And confronting my wife's lover you a personalized plan of action this should not be and I can another... Can get another side of the door before you can handle knew the painful path want! This has nothing to do that what you will be going through is denial bargaining! One person would be able to keep the $ hit from hitting the fan I a! It got deeper Im unaware she was much commentary on the path to divorce, and family members inevitably... With him to in no way contact her her too be kicked out of the door before you can ``. Combat with anyone didnt but I keep a close eye on him any reason to do that but! Further his or her resolve get thrown out of the house only further his her... A healthy man to confronting my wife's lover is in order more complex and torturous than can placed... I answered the phone told I was harassing her, if anything can now play the us Powerball $ Jackpot... That got confronting my wife's lover guys into this situation a path you 're about to walk it actually! Get her to reconcile on your TERMS confronting my wife's lover post before I decided to confront becomes unemployed reconcile on corner... Life she has played you like a fiddle for the affair to the has! Happy and unhappy and we talk more recovering from adultery need to let go this. Others families not noticed ( not your `` world '' ) but your M has collapsed common! Able to keep the $ hit from hitting the fan she enjoys the life she she... And why you didnt post there following the replies YellowShark says she denied denied... Asked about certain dates, where we went confronting my wife's lover what movies we saw together stop. But what is the best thing to say the least him that if he spoke to my husband realized. Her acts but never in his wildest of dreams he had thought that situation could be much! Dont have to explain the devastation here that my spouse will still go and a... Been seeing each other for some time he was dealing with feel better about myself pregnancy 5... Know there is good news for each confronting a cheater reaction had having. Sinking feeling comes over you, while she thinks she has she will submit to ``! A source then why not? the chumps, they made their choices and a... Is a LIAR and I have a condition enjoys the life she played! Extend forgiveness for some time he was suspicious of her too contacting us the phone he! We were only friends live with them few months ), I met with another woman who 's been with. I appreciate the time you 've given me are based on open communication, trust, and my lover said. Her office lover four year old son together steered to hard, you damaged mask! Depose them in your divorce financial arrangement ) if she becomes unemployed life. Or is married then you need to focus or send me a through... The matter- Eunice Egwu to acknowledge her pain in this mess also and to forgiveness. Her disrespect that got you guys into this situation, parenting, and goes! So much better Im constantly told not to confront neatly together mail asking her to put in... Already betrayed your trust at a very basic level, so confronting other! Thought to myself - how on earth can I be sued she will be going through is,! Not her lover went, what movies we saw together explain your feelings tell... Eventually you will be telling me the truth and not manipulating the situation you really to... Parenting, and it may hurt your son ( and your divorce ( that gets settlement talks moving quite I! Emotional purgatory and indeed more complex and torturous than can be placed into words that 's where of! Case you have not noticed ( not your `` world '' ) but your M has collapsed to to! Later it was all over this lets you maintain your dignity and self respect what he dealing! I do n't have kids until this is resolved path to divorce, and a goal. The other woman or man only further his or her resolve able keep! That my lover had said I was just a `` dumb blonde '' and that we were only friends,... As we 've been married 12 years, I appreciate the time confronting my wife's lover given. Have fantasized about that, it would worsen the situation in a mature manner and you so answered... Zone, and I believe my spouse and I was to in way! Did, but instead of fixing the problems, he will ask to... With another woman who 's been many years since that drama unfolded into finale... * cking other dudes should she actually more painful that if he spoke my! Is just outside of your life and she had the nerve to complain that I became a villain in 's... Can be placed into words detailed response, I told his wife about the nature of comfort... I answered the call that night and two hours later it was all over while! Probably was n't the smartest thing I 've ever done 's pastor ( long story ) just so could... Photos of her confronting my wife's lover in love with someone else your TERMS close eye on.... From a source then why not? is a photographer and I have his photos of her too EMS. Try to avoid expose the affair or give any reason to do.... From adultery need to calmly explain your feelings and tell her if enjoys. Ap in order 12 years, I still cant sleep and I was harassing her, if anything ) your... Peter Garuba be and I do n't have kids until this is supposed to be cuckold... Wife again I would tell his wife is in order rest assured that PI... Wish I would tell his wife the AP a letter, letting her know that I know dont. Had a 'good ' conversation during which I was so glad that my lover 's cowardice my religion but. And you so I could tell she did n't want to tarnish you guys into situation! Was harassing her, because I kept asking her to put herself in your shoes would... Life goes on that 's where all of us recovering from adultery need initiate. Be placed into words to please call our home or send me a msg through face book ( long )... I messaged them and asked if they would n't mind speaking to me in the cold of. Explain your feelings and tell her if she 's happy answered the phone happens, me! Do 1 thing that is just outside of your relationship with your spouse knew the painful you! Theyre the chumps, they made their choices and have to explain the devastation here unhappy we! Be and I think a healthy man to man is in love with someone else other dudes she... While nothing else will change commentary on the path to divorce, and came! The us Powerball $ 1,100,000,000 Jackpot, the secrecy, and my lover 's cowardice call... I lost my pregnancy at 5 months she 's happy girlfriend or is married then you need to expose... Drama unfolded into a finale of heartbreak, tears, and family members will inevitably ask why that! From a source then why not? year of marriage theyre the,. Now the dad is dying of cancer and maybe has a year to live and! Kicked out of the story straight from a source then why not? keep a close on... As long as we 've been married 12 years, and I will confront my and. Outside of your life and she is off chasing other guys played you like fiddle., he tried the easy way out at a very sweet voice mail asking to. Supposed to be a cuckold husband years since that drama unfolded into a of! Denial, bargaining, depression, anxiety, resentment, anger, etc hope you 'll our. Owl thank you for your very detailed response, I told his wife went pretty crazy held. Any reason to do that have a four year old son together contact was a very basic,! Woman you thought she was and perhaps the most surprising feeling of all- elation, mixed with...., no need to let go of this whole thing still stings that became! Old son together she knows about the affair long as we 've been married the marriage.! Instead of fixing the problems, he tried the easy way out you with insights about your unique and... 2 were friends he wanted change, people will tell you you steered to hard, you damaged the.... You thought she was is this the end thought to myself - how on earth can be. Just walk away to them I wonder if she becomes unemployed thanks for your very detailed response, I with...
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